Every Monday-to-Friday at exactly 8.00-8.30am I turn into the Hulk.
No matter how elegantly I ascend from my lush king-size bed…and float to my bathroom to get myself beautiful for the day…then tell myself in the mirror that I am totally awesome and today is gonna be an awesome day – the minute I walk into the kitchen and realise that my kids are ‘behind’ with their school morning prep, I start hearing the piano music from the Hulk TV program in my mind…then my lungs start to expand while I start to breathe deeply…then out come the 10 questions…
“Why aren’t you in your uniform? How long do you need to stare in the mirror for hmmmm? Who dropped this piece of bread on the floor? Didn’t I tell you to get your uniform ready last night? Do you want me to come over there and pull your socks up hmmmm? Oh really? So it’s my job to get notices out of your bag? What…did..I…tell…you…about leaving food in your bag overnight? Son, I swear if I look in your room for your lost folder and find it, you are gonna regret asking me to help you..so let me ask you one…more…time – where is your english folder?”
And just like that..they rush around getting their shit together while I stand there, hands on my hips doing the Jake Heke big-eyes thing at the pub. I swear – they MUST do this to me on purpose!
So…same routine as always, last week, we’re in the car and I’m reversing out of the garage – still continuing my Hulk mother series of “This is why you need to….Did’nt I tell you last night that….How many times do you need me to …..” and then SMASH, my driver’s side mirror hit the garage wall. This is mostly due to the fact that I was still ranting to my lucky-to-be-alive children that I forgot to look while reversing – I was mesmerised by their massive eyes looking back at me while I delivered my final statement. I get out, sellotape my mirror together and drive off.
You know what the amazing thing is? When we’re at their school, I’m like “okay bye my babies, have a great day at school, I love you” – smiling sweetly at them…a completely different woman from the 30 minutes before. My babies smile back at me, even hug me before they run off, but Im pretty sure they spend most of their school day wondering how they got to be stuck with a mother like me.
Moral of my story (other than to reveal my psycho side to you all) – my Hulk coconut mornings must now come to an end. Obviously. (Plus it was expensive to replace my mirror).
Ia manuia xx